Teachings

Here are some of our favorite quotes from the almighty Colbert's television appearances and interviews. Take these teachings and worship them carefully, for in these words lies the truth of the world. If any of your favorite quotes are not on this page, please feel free to send them for review to Nell: Warrior Kibble.

"So, what's the weather like up your own ass?"

"We don't HATE homosexuals. We're just angry at the ones that turn us on."
or, if you prefer this quote...
"If you're such an expert at being gay, then why are you turning me on?

"You poor bastards."

"It's time to get my drink on."

"Carell: Do you think us blind?
Colbert: Blind as masturbating bats with glaucoma."

"Some people have a fear of god, some of clowns. Well, after today, I have both."

"But fear not, America. We've made it through inconvenience before and we'll make it through again - with or without our digital pasta fork."

"Learn from the mistakes of others, for the love of god, please do."

"And there's no denying that learning to dodge a rubber playground ball is one of life's most important lessons."

"Well what SHOULD they throw at each other, Mr. Williams? Raw chicken? The could get salmonella!"

"This is the future, OLD MAN!"

"Bush has done less in his first 100 days than most presidents have ever not done. In fact, by repealing many environmental and work safety laws he's actually canceled actions taken by past presidents, thereby making them have done less retroactively."

This quote is from Jon Stewart, the Colbertic one's fellow Daily Show comedian and sub-Colbertic god, but we found it amusing.
"Stephen Colbert?! Stephen Colbert doesn't even know how to read! You didn't know that? He's not even from this country. Stephen Colbert doesn't even know English. Everything he does, we have to sound it out phonetically for him before he goes on. Stephen Colbert is a migrant worker."