Why Jon Stewart is Stalking Me

It was a beautiful afternoon on a popular beach in the Hamptons. The sun warmed our skin and comforted our souls. Children frolicked joyously in the water as adults tanned themselves and discussed something other than politics and business. Delicious watermelon juice dripped down the chins of young and old alike. It was a typical August beach day, until my father spoke (loudly and obnoxiously):
"Look, it's Mr. Stewart!"
At first I took no major heed to what he had said, searching my brain for someone we knew named Mr. Stewart. My search ended abruptly when I spotted a very, very familiar face squinting it's eyes in the sun, holding the hand of a young girl. I identified the man as Jon Stewart.

Jon. Stewart.

I couldn't believe my mind as the Stewartuos semi-god splashed in the salty waters of an ocean I'd known since before I could remember. I was in awe, but still I made sure not to be conspicuous with my glances at the TV personality. He looked a bit older in real life than on TV, and he had an unmistakable stubble, but this was certainly the man whose antics I'd watched every weeknight for over a year. And he isn't nearly so hairy as he says he is. Slightly beefy and indeed hairy, but no hairier than your average 38 year old male, I'd say. He swam with his wife as well as a woman and a young girl who my family determined must be his sister-in-law and niece. I didn't see him taking any particular notice in me, or anyone around me for that matter, but it definitely crossed my mind what his purpose at the lovely beach was.

Here is what I have deduced from my experiences: Jon Stewart was concerned about his eyebrow-flaunting friend, Stephen Colbert.

I know it is unusual for someone to worship a fellow human being like a deity of some kind, but I realize the truth. I realize that Mr. Stephen Colbert is not a fellow human, but an immortal. Elsewise, how could he be so cool? So, naturally, he and his friends would become nervous at a sweet young girl who seemingly stalked him, and would try and figure out what my intent was. As you probably know, my intent for Mr. Colbert is no more than to be able to bask in his aura, but likely Stewart wondered elsewise and took it upon himself to keep an eye on me. I do not mind, of course, as Stewart is a welcome guest at my home any time, but I am rather amused that he thought I meant harm to Stephen Colbert. How could I harm him? If I tried to do so much as elbow his side, his shield of might would reflect the touch and cause me to crumble into a ball of fear and regret.

But this theory is not based solely on this one encounter with The Leibowitz. No, I have more sense than that. A mere day or two later my father was shopping at the local grocery store, searching for some scrumptious and nutritious objects which we may consume, when he nearly ran his cart into Stewart's! Reportedly, Jon did not look directly into the eyes of my bearded pa, but make no mistake - it was Jon Stewart all right, making a contact with someone close to me more directly than he had probably planned on.

These encounters were quite apparent to me and I'm sure Jon has learned his lesson. I haven't seen him since, aside from his nightly appearance on television. I am sure he is watching me right now, at this very moment... ::turns around, looks out window:: Ah! ::turns other way:: ::turns other way again:: ::hides under desk::

He's watching me! He's watching! WATCHING!